Leighton looked at her dresses for a few seconds and then sighed. "Could you please choose for me?"she pleaded. Her puppy dog eyes instantly melted Annamaria's heart. She sat down next to her beloved Leighton, dresses still in hand. Leighton gave her a warm hug and then rested her head on Annamaria's lap. They sat there for a while. "You want to go, yes?" Annamaria asked, abruptly breaking the silence. Leighton did not answer. She did not know the answer. She tightened her hug a little more.
"The pizza should be ready very soon. I will go to the kitchen now. You will leave at three o'clock, yes?" Leighton sat up slowly, nodded her head and started pulling out several pairs of shoes. As soon she heard Annamaria shut the door behind her, she stopped and lay down again on the wooden floor. She hated packing with a passion. It was her least favorite activity. But that morning, it was even worse because she was plagued by a lot of doubts and even more guilt. She was sick to her stomach with fear.
She slowly stumbled across the accessory-laden floor to the bed where her bag lay half-filled with clothes. She wondered if she should take any hair styling appliances or if that would be too much. Suddenly, an image flashed across her eyes. It was a memory so vivid that it gripped her firmly and transported her back in time to a moment in the distant past. There she was standing in front of the mirror admiring her long silky straightened hair. Just then Nathan walked in and exclaimed, "Wow! You're so stunning Ley, your hair looks fabulous!"
Leighton blinked a few times. She was back in the present, only now a lot sicker. She resumed folding her dresses but she could not shake off the feeling of despair. She hadn't imagined what the next three days with Ricky at the mountain lodge would be like. She didn't want to admit it but the truth was that she did not want to think about it. She looked at her cell phone. Should she call him and cancel? Could she do that? Is this an awful mistake? Her eyes wandered back to her cell phone. She stared at it for a few seconds; a wave of fear swept across her. Her heart started beating faster and louder as she picked up the phone and dialled. She heard it ring at the other end. The thoughts in her mind started racing at ninety to nothing and her heart was beating so loud, she was afraid Annamaria would hear it all the way downstairs in the kitchen.
"Hello," he said.
Leighton froze.
"Yeah?" he asked. "Umm, it's me,' she replied in a voice so faint, it was barely a whisper. "Nathan, it's me"
.
"Yeah I know," Nathan replied. Neither of them said another word for the next 30 seconds and then Leighton stammered, "What are you doing?" He told her that he was watching a soccer game. She wasn't surprised. Soccer was his religion. She wondered if he was upset that she had called at a time of worship. She frantically struggled to figure out what mood he was in and whether he would talk to her and if yes, then would it be for more than a few minutes. She didn't know why she had called him, she didn't have anything to say or talk about but she wanted to talk; she needed to talk.
"Umm.. so, I want to tell you something. There's a convention next month.. in your city.. and some of us might go for it and I guess I might be one of them but I don't know because I never usually go for such things. I can't be bothered to, you know that I don't enjoy them but this time I was thinking, you know of course I would hate it and it would be waste of time really but it could also like be okay, because you know it's there and you're there. So maybe I could see you. Could I see you, if I came?"
Nathan: "When is it?"
Leighton; "Next month.. next month"
Nathan: "When?"
Leighton: "In June"
Nathan: "I know next month is June. Tell me when?"
Leighton: "I don't know right now"
An extremely long pause followed. It was so eerie that Leighton could have sworn that even the birds outside had stopped chirping.
Nathan: "Okay. But I can't make any promises Ley because things can come up. If something comes up that I have to do, then I can't see you. And if you come during the week, it will be next to impossible to meet. So don't make your decision to come or not to come based on me".
Leighton searched for signs of emotion in his voice but there were none. Was he upset that she had called? Was she not letting him enjoy his time off? Was he unhappy to talk to her? The questions in her mind felt like little painful stabs at her heart.
Leighton: "You don't want to see me?" Her eyes welled up with tears.
Nathan: "I won't make up random excuses not to see you. I just can't make any promises"
The harshness in his tone became unbearable and Leighton broke down. She couldn't handle his icy coldness. "Why are you talking to me like this? What did I do to you?" she sobbed. "I'm talking to you very nicely and it's not like I'm asking you to stick to me the whole time I'm there, if I do come".
Nathan was taken by surprise. His voice softened a tad and for the first time in their conversation, he let his guard down. "Why are you crying Ley? Don't take this personally. I really can't make any promises. It has nothing to do with you. I would say it to anyone". He knew his words would not reassure her but he tried nonetheless.
"It's not about what you're saying, it's how you're saying it," Leighton weeped. Now her sobs had been replaced by soft, but controlled, cries.
Nathan was dumbfounded. "I would talk this way to anyone and no one would ever cry if they heard me speak this way. You wouldn't cry too, if anyone else spoke this way to you, would you Ley?" she argued.
"But I'm not anyone off the street and you're not anyone to me," she counter-argued. "Then shouldn't you ask yourself why am I not just anyone to you? Why am I still so important when I am not in your life today? I don't understand," he reasoned.
Leighton couldn't believe that Nathan was challenging why she felt he was still important to her! He was like a God to her. "You do not have to do anything in my every day life today or tomorrow or the day after for you to be important to me. You are important to me because you are!" she declared. Their communication had deteriorated, again. For the next few minutes, Leighton cried softly and Nathan kept silent.
"You don't need to stay on the phone", she said finally. "I don't want to leave you like this either," he replied gently.
There was another very long silence but this one felt warmer to Leighton, only slightly. "Why are you questioning how import..". The call disconnected before she could finish. A message blinked on the screen- Out of Credit Please Top-up
Leighton threw her phone on the bed and sat down on the floor again. She was relieved that the conversation had ended, even if abruptly, and thanked the phone gods for having shown her mercy that morning. She sat on the floor not knowing what to think or feel. Tears started flowing and and she watched as they dropped onto the dark redwood flooring. Her heart ached at the thought of his cold emotion-less voice. He had shut her out of his life, even though he loved and cared about her so much. Leighton looked outside the window at the light blue clear sky, with her teary eyes and cried out,"Why?"
****************************
Annamaria walked into the kitchen at around half past two expecting to see Leighton there enjoying her special home-made chicken and mushroom pizza. She was bewildered when she found the kitchen dark and empty. She put two slices on a plate, popped open a can of diet coke and poured into a glass with ice and a thin slice of lemon. There was no way she was going to let Leighton leave without eating anything. She knocked on her door a couple of times but there was no answer. Annamaria felt a sudden pang of worry. She opened the door slowly. The room was still in a mess, the bag was unpacked and had been placed on one side and Leighton was fast asleep. Annamaria put down the tray and went up to Leighton. She sat on the bed next to her and gently stroked her hair. Leighton opened her eyes and big tears rolled down her cheeks. "I'm not going, I told him," she whispered. Annamaria furrowed her brow and squeezed Leighton's hand. "Did he get angry?" she enquired.
"I don't know. I just sent him an email and canceled. I can't go Anna. I just cannot go," Leighton stressed without any further explanation.
Annamaria didn't ask any more questions, she didn't have to. She had understood. She told Leighton that she would wake her up in a few hours after which she would have to eat. Leighton agreed. Annamaria stayed next to her on the bed and sang a sweet prayer, as she drifted into slumber.
Be blessed, Be blessed
I pray that your soul will be blessed
Enter a place where you never have to cry
Never have to live a lie
Never have to wonder why
Be blessed, Be blessed
****************************
Annamaria walked into the kitchen at around half past two expecting to see Leighton there enjoying her special home-made chicken and mushroom pizza. She was bewildered when she found the kitchen dark and empty. She put two slices on a plate, popped open a can of diet coke and poured into a glass with ice and a thin slice of lemon. There was no way she was going to let Leighton leave without eating anything. She knocked on her door a couple of times but there was no answer. Annamaria felt a sudden pang of worry. She opened the door slowly. The room was still in a mess, the bag was unpacked and had been placed on one side and Leighton was fast asleep. Annamaria put down the tray and went up to Leighton. She sat on the bed next to her and gently stroked her hair. Leighton opened her eyes and big tears rolled down her cheeks. "I'm not going, I told him," she whispered. Annamaria furrowed her brow and squeezed Leighton's hand. "Did he get angry?" she enquired.
"I don't know. I just sent him an email and canceled. I can't go Anna. I just cannot go," Leighton stressed without any further explanation.
Annamaria didn't ask any more questions, she didn't have to. She had understood. She told Leighton that she would wake her up in a few hours after which she would have to eat. Leighton agreed. Annamaria stayed next to her on the bed and sang a sweet prayer, as she drifted into slumber.
Be blessed, Be blessed
I pray that your soul will be blessed
Enter a place where you never have to cry
Never have to live a lie
Never have to wonder why
Be blessed, Be blessed
